WAH Chapter 1 - A Beauty To Rescue

Questions from Wild at Heart Field Manual Chapter One.

[T]hink back again to the movies roles you'd love to play - who are the damsels you'd love to rescue?

I didn't list Braveheart in my original list but I always imagined myself rescuing the woman who was Wallace's wife. When I watch the scene where she is killed I am filled with indescribable rage and I cheer like a mad man when Wallace returns to get his revenge.

As I think about that scene I realize that here was a beauty to rescue and he failed. His heart is broken by this and the remainder of the movie is him trying to make things right. He was drawn into the larger story when the larger story affected his life. As a husband and father, I feel like I too am being compelled to fight in a larger story since my family is under attack. I have not only my wife to defend and rescue but my children as well.

And, recalling the daydream about three months of free time and anything you could do, would the months really be everything you desire if there were only adventure but never a beautiful woman as part of the adventure?

Sure, I can imagine and answer but it doesn't help me where I am today. If, today, I were able to take those three months away much of that time would be interceding on behalf of my wife. I would be going away not just for the adventure but to mature so that I can more nobly be the man that she deserves.

As I prepare for the Wilderness Outreach Retreat this summer this theme tends to keep popping up. I ask myself, or rather God asks me, "what do you want out of this?" My answer is always, "to mature, to learn to be a man." I feel as though I am missing something in my masculinity. I feel as though something was stolen from me in my youth that has stunted my emotional and spiritual growth as a man. In short, I am tired of feeling like an 8th grader trapped in a 37 year-old body. There is something missing and I hope to find it on this retreat, not simply for myself - which would bring a great deal of healing to me personally - but for my wife and family; they deserve more, they deserve a father who is more of a man than he is today.

What stirs inside you when you look upon the daughters of Eve?

There are times when I look women and I am completely in awe. It is a similar feeling to when I first see a beautiful waterfall, vista, or sunset. My breath is literally taken away. There are times when I look at my wife and I am nearly brought to tears thinking of how fearfully and wonderfully made she is. I am in awe of her external and internal beauty.

And have you sensed that, at its core, your passion to rescue the Beauty is a good thing, part of your destiny?

I believe it is a good thing. However, I also believe that that desire has been twisted by the culture that I live in. That passion to rescue the beauty, to be her hero has been distorted in myself, and others, into a selfish desire to win her without loving who she is. In other words, it is a desire to ravish her without fighting for her. In reality, this is the desire of the men in our culture. If many of them were forced to fight for her in order to win her, they would simply walk away and say it's not worth the effort. We have allowed this to happen in many ways contraception not being the least of the handicaps.

WAH Chapter 1 - An Adventure and On Wilderness

Questions from Wild at Heart Field Manual Chapter One.

I'm convinced that adventure, with all its requisite danger and wildness, is a deeply spiritual longing written into the soul of man. Does that surprise you, hearing that adventure is a spiritual longing given to us by God?

It surprises me to hear someone say it but deep down inside I know its true. When I look at the wildness of creation I am convinced that it is part of the human experience. I think that just as man longs for Truth, Beauty, and Goodness, he also longs for adventure. It's the way we were made. I don't believe God set Adam in the garden expecting him to sit on his hands. He created all this to be lived in, to be explored - fill the earth and subdue it - he created it to be an adventure.

What were some of the "great adventures" you had - or dreamed of or read about - as a boy?

Man, where to begin! I remember that almost anything could be an adventure. I see this in my own boys too. As a boy the world appeared enormous. Our house was huge, in my eyes. Our 100' x 40' backyard was a jungle. The perspective, as a boy, made everything an adventure. So, whether I left the house or stayed in the backyard, it didn't matter. It was all adventure.

As I got older and was allowed to cross the street and all that the adventures grew. I mentioned the valley behind my friends house where we used to play war, go sled riding and such. My grandfathers barns were always huge adventures. We climb high into the hay-loft, near the top of the barn it seemed, and build forts out of the hay bales. The creek was like a river. We'd gather large sandstones and build a dam so that later in the day we could swim in the collected water. Everything was an adventure back then.

Describe an adventure you've had in more recent years, a time when you really came alive. What happened? What did it require of you?

It's been some time since this adventure but I'll never forget it. A friend and I decided we wanted to float, on inner-tubes (large tractor tubes), a length of the river that runs through our county. It took us two days to float it all. It was quite a challenge in certain parts of the first section because the water was so still. We had no way to really paddle the six or mile stretch.

On the second day, the real adventure began. Between our starting point and ending spot there was a section of nasty falls that was notorious for flipping canoes. It was dangerous because as the water fell over the rocks it created a dangerous undertow which could spin you underwater indefinitely. We decided to go for it anyway. With cut-off jeans, tennis shoes and a single strap on the tube we went headlong over the falls. We both made it through in one piece. In fact, we decided to pull out the tubes and walk back up to the other side of the falls and do it again.

After that, we dreamed of floating all the way to the Ohio River, then the Mississippi, but it never happened. I wish we would have at least floated to the Ohio. It would have been a great adventure.

Have you ever spent time in the outdoors? Did you enjoy it?

The only reason I got my driver's license was so that I could go squirrel hunting. I didn't care about girls or sports. I wanted to be out on my grandpa's land hunting or at least walking and exploring. I love the outdoors and would love to really get back to hunting and fishing. When I was in my early twenties I spent most of my summers in the Hocking River fishing.

Where do you most come alive?

To be honest, I don't know anymore. One of the things I most look forward to is the opening day of deer-gun season here in Ohio. I haven't actually shot a deer for many years now but I do love getting up early on opening day, sneaking out into the woods and sitting in the quiet. I love sitting there feeling the raw weather and using all of my senses, to the best of my ability, to be ready for my prey. I also love to be outside building things like the chicken coop, patio, etc. I like the hard work, the planning, the execution. I do like being outdoors.

Has the Spirit ever led you into the wilderness - a calling, or a haunting to just "get away from it all," get out into the wild? If he did so now, would you go?

I am hearing that call now and I am planning on going on a Wilderness Outreach Retreat this summer. It's not just a desire of mine to go but it feels more like it is my destiny to go. It's like God is calling me to meet Him there, He has something to say to me and He can only say it there. My greatest fear at this time is that something will happen to keep me from going because I know the enemy come to "kill, steal, and destroy."

Have you ever seen, in your desires or even in your fantasies, something "wild" (risky, adventurous, undomesticated) in your own heart?

Oh yeah! I have this one desire to go out in the middle of the woods with only a gallon of water and a Bible and spend 24 hours in one location alone. I plan on doing this someday soon. I always wanted to get a powered parachute and fly around.

Have you understood that wildness to be a good thing? Would like there to be a wildness about you?

I do believe that that wildness is a good thing. I wish I would let it come out a little more.

WAH Chapter 1 - A Battle To Fight

Questions from Wild at Heart Field Manual Chapter One.

Remember back into your boyhood for a moment. Did you play games involving battles? Cowboys and Indians, perhaps, or maybe cops and robbers? What were they? What do your sons or grandsons love to play?

My friend down the street had a section of woods behind his house that we used to play in all the time. It was a ravine between the alley behind his house and a housing development. It was only about a half an acre but to all of us kids in the neighborhood it was a forest.

We would meet there often and have battles. One group would set up camp behind a large pine on one hill while the other would set up camp behind a fallen tree on the other. If we had guns, fine. If not, we made due with sticks, pine-cones, or whatever else we could grab. As we got older it moved to Laser-Tag and then paint-ball. There seemed to be constant battles raging in those woods.

My boys spend much of their time planning and executing battles. Whether they are re-enacting the arrest and Crucifixion, with much fighting and drama, or they are out in the fields pretending our house is Redwall Abbey from Redwall books, they are in a constant epic battle. I am often drawn into this battle either as a worthy foe or ally. More often I am the foe that the four work together to defeat. Sometimes, though, William will come to my aide and this throws everything out of wack and the battles begin in earnest.

Who did you love to be as a boy? Did you have a favorite outfit you wore? What was the "necessary equipment" - tangerine grenades, trash-can-lid shields?

I honestly can't remember any certain character that I loved to be or pretend to be. I do remember much of the equipment though. My dad had a workshop down in the basement of our home. I think I mentioned it before. It was a wonderland for a boy and probably cause to call children's services today! Not only were there huge power tools, knives, parts of guns and such, there was shotgun shell reloading material. Yes, even gunpowder. I hate to think of how much gunpowder we used. I'm glad we didn't blow ourselves up. We'd fill babyfood jars with gunpowder and take it out and pour it on the side walk and then work on lighting it with a magnifying glass. Scrap wood became guns and grenades as did spent shells that dad didn't want any more. There was nothing to compare to throwing one of those spent shells at the enemy. Here was something dangerous, something that had actually exploded at one time and we were given permission to use it.

And who were your boyhood heroes? An army man, an athlete, or maybe a cowboy, a superhero like Batman or Superman? Did they have a great battle to fight?

It seems silly to admit but most of my boyhood heroes were cartoons. No, not Tom and Jerry, although they did have some great moments. We'd never miss the Superfriends - Superman, Batman, The Wonder Twins and the like all together at the Hall of Justice just waiting for a battle. My brother Bill and I were really into G.I. Joe too. We collected all the figurines and vehicles. We also had many of the Star Wars items. I also liked to watch the Thundercats. They were these powerful cats -lions, etc., that did battle with evil.

Look back now at your favorite movies you jotted down. What is the hero's great battle? Which of those battles would you love to fight, if you were he.

I'm not going to go through every movie of course but the one that stands out to me at this point in my life is The Mission. The battle would be that of DeNiro's character as he battles the inner demons that plague him - his former life, killing his brother, etc. I'd love to have more strength and determination to fight those inner struggles against an unseen but more deadly foe than any superhero ever faced.

Now; this longing may have been submerged from years of neglect, and a man may not feel that he is up to the battles he knows await him. Or it may have taken a very dark turn, as it has with inner-city gangs. But the desire is there. Every man wants to play the hero. I find that many men have long buried their desire to be a hero. But isn't there something in you that wants to be applauded, cheered for what you've done? Do you like losing, for example or being dismissed? What debate would you love to win, what deal would love to land, what "big fish" would you love to catch, what hill would you love to take?

This is a tough question because, for me, there are different answers for different levels. On the worldly level I'd love to get a publishing deal for my rosary book. I'd love for a larger audience to recognize the work, be applauded, be celebrated for it. On the spiritual level I'd love to finally win the battle for purity of heart. I feel as though I have been fighting this battle for almost a quarter of a decade, and I have, with little ground gained.

Every man needs to know that he is powerful... What happens in you when you watch one of those powerful stories, when at the end of Braveheart the "starving and outnumbered" Scots rush the fields at Bannockburn and win their freedom, or when Maximus goes hand-to-hand with Commodus at the end of Gladiator? Is there anything in a great battle scene that stirs your heart? Can you sense something fierce down in there?

The battle scene that comes to mind and stirs my heart comes from The Two Towers (Lord of the Rings Trilogy). It appears that all of Middle Earth is about to be destroyed. Everyone is holed up at Helm's Deep and the forces of evil are coming hard and fast. The enemy is battering the door to strong hold and things are not looking good. At this time Aaragorn leads a group of men out onto the bridge to do battle and stop them from battering down the door. I love the courage that they show even in the face of what looks like certain doom. They are outnumbered, stuck in a corner but instead of cowering and running they charge. It makes my heart come alive and want to win the battle, any battle against any odds.

Sometimes our aggression has no place to play itself out, except maybe in sports or how we drive. Do you ever want to just slam-dunk something, knock something into kingdom come? Do you like it when people pass you on the highway, or beat you to a parking spot? Where does your aggressive side surface?

My aggression usually surfaces when I see what I perceive to be an injustice either to me or someone else. Yes, when some idiot does something stupid and dangerous on the highway I get angry and want to ram my car into them. I fantasize about tapping their bumper in such a way that they spin out of control. My aggression also surfaces for no reason that I can identify. Sometimes I just feel like hitting something just to get the energy out or going for a run or breaking something for no real reason that I know of other than just to do it.

Closer to home, what if a terrorist broke into your house tonight and threatened the lives of your wife and children - would you simply let it happen? If you were armed, would you use your weapon? Do you sense something fierce in your own heart now?

That's a great question because I often play in mind how I would react to someone breaking in in the middle of the night. I struggle with whether I should have the shotgun and shells in the bedroom closet. In my mind I would kick butt. Not only would I defend my home but I would make the idiot suffer unbelievably. Yes, there is something fierce down deep.

Have you ever been told such fierceness is a good thing?

No. I have never been told that it is okay to feel that fierceness. In fact, I would say that the opposite has been conveyed even if not in so many words. In my opinion, this fierceness is often put down, ridiculed, shamed for being barbaric. Yet it is the same people who do this that wonder why no one is there to defend them! I have never been told it is a good thing but correctly expressed I think it is an asset to the man and the world.

WAH Chap 1 - Setting Out

Questions from Wild at Heart Field Manual Chapter One.

Did the chapter validate anything about you? Did it give you a kind of permission? In what way?

It gave me permission to be who God created me to be. It gave me permission to go after my heart rather than simply push the wounds of my life aside and just going on wounded. It also helped me to see both ruggedness and beauty all around me. I have noticed that everything rugged is covered, in some way, with beauty. When I look out from a high cliff I see that the landscape is rugged, wild, massive but also very beautiful. When I look at a snow flake a see that it is sharp, rugged, dangerous but also very beautiful. I think God planned it that way othewise ruggedness, wildness, etc would be grotesque.

The chapter also reminded me that some of my fondest memories are those of adventure and being outdoors. I remember spending almost two summers in the river close to our town. I would put on shorts, old tennis shoes, and a hat and head to the river. I would walk/wade/swim for miles, fishing pole in hand catching fish and talking with tourists canoeing the river. Those were great times.

I hope you did watch one of your favorite films, and if youdid, what did it stir in you this time around?

This time I watched The Mission. It stirred up in me many different ideas and feelings. I was inspired but the missionary zeal of the priests even in the face of death. The opening scene shows a priest being martyred by being tied to a cross and left to float over a giant waterfall. I think that there is something in every Catholic man worth his salt that desires martyrdom. I was stirred by the inner strength of the missionaries as well as the character played by Robert DeNiro. His determination to make amends for the sin he committed is incredible. I also admire the fact that almost none of the other men try to pat him on the back and tell him not to worry about making reparation. They allow him to do this even if it means slowing their progress.

We need this sort of support in the Church today. We need to support each other in our valiant (although to the world crazy) zeal for faith, sorrow for sin, love for life. We don't need any more of this patting on the back and saying, "what you did wasn't really a sin. Here, have a beer and we'll just talk about it." No, what we need is accountability. We need a band of brothers who will say, "What you did was sinfull. Go to Confession and when you are done, let's think of a way to make reparation."

...I believe that the movies you loveare a clue to your heart, to what makes you come alive. So let's start there. Write down a handful of movies that have stirred your heart over the years.

Jeremiah Johnson, Life Is Beautiful, Schindler's List, The Mission, Red Dawn, The Patriot

And from those stories what roles, what heroes would you love to play? Who would you love to be in those movies?

Jerimiah Johnson as he conquers himself and the wilderness. The father in Life is Beautiful as he so creatively protects his son even offering his own life. Oskar Shindler as he risks his life to save others. Jeremy Irons' character in The Mission who is relentless in bringing about conversion to both the natives and the Spanish. Patrick Swayze's character as he leads a group of highschool students in a resistence militia against the invading Russian Army. Benjamin Martin in the Patriot as he rises to the occasion to lead others in defense of their land and country.

Another way tof getting below the surface, to real desires of our hearts, is to look at what we do with our free time. Set a man completely free, and simply watch what he does. Youll learn a lot. Let's say you have three months of vacation coming up, a sabbatical all to yourself, and plenty of cash to bankroll it. Where would you go? What would you do? What's your dream trip?

What I am about to write may seem extreme for some but it is a dream trip. Of course, since this is a dream, it could only take place if I were single. Not that I want to be but it wouldn't be fair to my wife to take this sort of trip. Perhaps a scaled down version would be possible when the kids get a bit older. Anyway, my brother told me of these firetowers out West where folks sometimes go. The deal is that you stay in these towers, months at a time, and watch for fires. The forest service packs in your food, etc on mules. You radio in an emergency or if there is a fire. I would love to spend three months in one of these towers writing, praying, and reading. That's my "dream trip", three months of solitude for prayer, study, and writing.

Looking back now at the movies you love, the roles you'd want to play, and your three month daydream, what does it tell you about your own heart? What are you made for?

In all of the roles that I chose and in my dream trip I see that both they and it are extraordinary and somewhat extreme. All of it involves some risk to my life. I see that I am made for adventure. I am made to go to the extreme either in nature as Jerimiah Johnson (or in the fire towers) or in human relations like Guido or Oskar Shindler in Life is Beautiful and Shindler's List.

WAH Chap 1 - Gut Reaction

Questions from Wild at Heart Field Manual Chapter One.

You've read the first chapter in Wild at Heart - now dive me a gut reaction. What struck you? What stirred you, got your blood going? Did anything grab you, frustrate you, make you mad? What questions did it raise? Was there a major "aha!, " a revelation of some kind? What did it make you want to do? Don't bother to edit your thoughts here. And don't try to make them sound "spiritual" or "manly" or whatever. Just be honest.

My "gut reaction" is WOW. This totally validates my deep desires of adventure. It brings to life my longing for the outdoors. Memories of running through my grandfather's woods and exploring his 300 acres come vividly to mind.

I also thought of the adventures my brothers and I had as boys at our own home in town. The basement of our house was a boy's dream. There was dad's workshop with the smell of gunpowder and sawdust. He had a Shopsmith and loaded his own shotgun shells. There were cabinets in the workshop that led to secret places underneath the stairs that to us were passageways to another world. The backyard too seemed gigantic back then. We dug for treasure in the sandbox and climbed the dogwood beside the swingset.

While reading this chapter I thought of how wild we used to be, whether exploring, riding bikes, lighting firecrakers, we were wild and adventurous. Then I wondered where all of that went. I wondered why now I play everything safe. Everything is soft, planned, precise, and risk-free. Where did it all go I cry from somewhere in the depths. I was frustrated that I had given up my love for hunting, hiking, building, and the rest for softness. That's the only word that comes to mind, softness. As Eldredge says, "The masculine heart needs a place where nothing is prefabricated, modular, nonfat, zip lock, franchised, on-line, microwavable. Where there is room for the soul. Where, finally, the geography around us corresponds to the geography of our heart." (WAH page 5). I want ruggedness. Good natured, playful, strong, ruggedness back. Where did it go?

What did it make me want to do? Scream, then get away. It made me want to hike, buy a new compound bow and take up deer hunting again. It made me want to spend 24 hours alone in the woods with nothing but the Bible and a gallon of water. It made me want to go after my heart. It made me want to rescue my heart and that is what I fully plan to do! (with God's grace and guidance)